thoughts on parenting

Being a parent isn't a particularly easy job.

But, it is rewarding, and generally "worth it."  I'm a fan.

Now that we're about to welcome kid #3, I like to think back on the things I've learned and the advice I would give others who are about to embark on this adventure.  I like to think back to my first days with Abby and how we really didn't know what we were doing.  I think it's fascinating to see first time parents figure it out.  We all do of course - each in our own way.

I have two mantras that have helped me through this motherhood stuff.

The first one is what I repeat under my breath when I'm about to lose it.  When the girls are pushing my buttons or being unreasonably difficult - or both.  "Give me patience"  It's both a prayer and a plea.  It's a reminder.  It's something to say to myself when I know I need to give myself a little space, too.  It reminds me that when the girls are being difficult - it's because they are kids.  Little kids.  Little kids who are trying to navigate a huge and complicated world...and who do it pretty well most of the time, but who, on occasion, melt down and fall apart.  It reminds me that their tantrum or acting out is not about ME - it's about them.  Give me patience.  *deep breath*  Give me patience.  It helps me remember that when they are screaming and throwing things is when they need me the most.  Sometimes that means discipline - a time out - a lecture - but sometimes it means they just need a big hug to help them calm down.  And it takes a LOT of patience to keep myself in check in those frustrating moments when there is spaghetti sauce on the white carpet and they're pouring milk on their head.  Of course, sometimes it doesn't work.  Sometimes I yell - often too soon.  But, when I can, I repeat "give me patience" in my head and it helps.

The second mantra I have is similar - and it's the one that I lean on the most.  "Parent with grace"  Or sometimes it is just shortened to "with grace"  This is what I strive to do.  I hope to raise these kids as gracefully as possible.  To me, it means to slow down and to make the best decisions I can in the moment.  It means when E comes up to me and says "Mama?  Wanna pway tea party wiff me?" - that I say yes.  It means that I don't sweat the small stuff as often as possible.  If Abby wants to leave the house wearing shorts and winter boots and a broken tiara - that I just roll with it.  It means paying attention to the important things like Abby proudly showing me a letter she wrote and ignoring the trivial things like E covering her new rody horse with permanent marker.  It means trying to engage the girls and BE with them as often as I can.  To give them rich experiences, genuine attention and conversation, to feed their insatiable curiosity about the world to the best of my ability.  With gracefulness.  It's a happy mantra.  It means when they are acting out in public, that I keep my cool.  It means I don't let them see me sweat if I can help it.

Of course, lest I give the wrong impression, I fail all too often at this, too.  I'm the first to admit that I'll flip on the TV for a while just so I can have some computer time to myself, or that I'll pick the wrong battles, not give my full attention to something that deserves it, and that I'm often anything but graceful when public tantrums happen.  But to parent with grace - it's a goal.  One that refocuses me when I remember to use it.

All the details of parenting are different for everyone - I don't see much point in telling others what worked for me, as it may not work for the next person.  But, I think that no matter your parenting style - or how easy or difficult your kids are to raise - patience and grace are two things that can go a long way.  They're two words that have helped me along the way, anyhow.

And so, as I think about what life will be like with three - I'm constantly repeating to myself "patience and grace"  I'm trying to prep myself for that moment when they are all three screaming at me, they all need something urgently, and I am 2 hands and a week's worth of sleep short of what I need to deal with it all.  I'm trying to be optimistic and realistic at the same time.  And for now, it's working.  At this exact moment in time - I feel confident and ready for 3.  I'm excited.  I'm ready to embrace the crazy.

Ask me again after I haven't slept in 3 weeks.  I know.

But for now - I'm looking forward to this adventure, and I hope I can manage it with patience and grace as often as possible.

39.5

So here I am, two days away from my due date.

The girls both went late, so I shouldn't expect differently with this kiddo - but the past 4 or 5 days have been riddled with contractions and backache and pretty much every other sign of imminent labor.  Except...nothing ever happens. Le sigh.

At this point, I'm pretty ready.  Logistically speaking, we have my bag packed finally.  The pack and play is set up, the bottles are washed, the house is relatively clean.  The girls seem to know that the baby is coming soon.  I'm not too worried about Abby - she's been preparing for the new baby for a while now.  She's very excited.  I'm hopeful that E will make a graceful transition as well, but I suppose only time will tell.

I still have a pretty good list of to-do items for work.  I'm not really sure how that's going to go.  I guess I'll do what I can.  Maybe this kid is waiting for me to finish that stuff....in which case, I'll be pregnant for another 2 weeks.

Overall, I'm excited.  I want to meet this new little one.  I feel ready.

So, c'mon buddy.

Date night

Kyle and I went out to dinner in March - that had been our lone date for the year so far.  So, we decided it was time for a second.  Now, we spend most evenings chatting and watching TV and hanging out - so it's not like we never get to talk or anything - but it is nice to go do something different every so often - to have somebody else put the kids to bed for one night and to be outside when the street lights come on.

So, last night we headed out into the city for what is probably the last time for a good while.  We bought tickets to see the Boston Pops play, which is always a nice treat.  The guest was Matthew Morrison (aka Mr. Shue from Glee)  who was promoting a new album of classic rat-pack and broadway type tunes.

Before we hopped the train, we walked down to the centre and tried a little thai place that we walk past all the time.  A tiny little place with about 5 tables, mismatched dated decor, and faded vinyl  tablecloths.  But, it has a great reputation and it seemed like a perfect date night spot as we'd never fit in there with the whole clan.  We ordered our pad thai and just chatted.  Food was really yummy and hit the spot.

After dinner, we hopped the train into the city and walked down Mass ave to the symphony.  We bought cheap seats - which is fine - music still sounds nice from the rafters. :)   The Pops played several familiar pieces, we listened to some high school kids who were contest winners perform various songs and then watched Morrison do his song and dance bit for everyone before the Pops closed out with stars and stripes like they always do.  Morrison left after performing "singing in the rain" which was appropriate as it was indeed raining when we got out.

We made our way back to the train in the rain.  When we got back to our stop it was coming down pretty hard, so we ducked into a little irish pub and tried to wait it out for a bit.  Then we decided to wait it out in another little bar down the street where Kyle got another beer and the bartender gave me free chocolate milk.  The rain didn't really let up, so we just walked home in it.  We got home around midnight - wet and tired but happy for the nice evening out.

Maybe we'll do it again before next year.  :)

at the pops

thai

faceless phone pic of morrison

 chocolate milk & beer...mmm?

2 week wait

When you first suspect that you could possibly maybe be pregnant - you have to wait about two weeks before you can test with any sort of reliable results.  Fondly known as the two week wait - or 2ww for you online lingo folks.  I think the length of those 2 weeks is rivaled only by the length of the last 2 weeks of pregnancy.  At least for me - who is not one to expect to go early (or even on time).

I suppose the last 2 weeks probably go faster than the first 2 weeks - because you're busy, there are to-do lists, and other kids to worry about.  But, then again, you're huge and it's difficult to maneuver and you're running into things, things ache and pull that shouldn't etc.  Either way - both are draining in their own right.

I currently feel that 2 weeks could not be a longer time frame.  I do not feel that this baby is even close to making an appearance - nor am I ready for it to meet us quite yet.  I am equally torn between wanting to (needing to) concentrate on work and trying to finish things before I leave and wanting to meet this little baby and get on with mothering 3.  I'm afraid I'm going to run out of time before I'm able to get my work ducks all in a row.  And I'm selfishly - but not unreasonably - craving some down time to myself to concentrate on this baby.

I feel unprepared for this baby in some senses.  No, not unprepared, just...that I haven't had the chance to slow down and daydream.  I felt the same way with E.  I wanted to just sit and think and imagine and spend time talking to my belly - talking to this baby - bonding.  That's the word.  I want time to bond with this baby before it's born.  I think it is harder to pre-bond when you don't know the gender, don't have a name (or names), etc.  I haven't done any shopping for this baby, I haven't bought any clothes, I haven't done any projects or prepared anything.  The kid isn't born yet and I'm already feeling guilty about it not having the same attention as the others.  Guess it's a mom thing.

And yet - I know that if this baby were to come tonight (settle down, it's not)  that it would be fine.  While I haven't had time to prep and primp the house - babies need blessedly little when they're new...and this ain't our first rodeo.

Le sigh.

I think the baby is still breeched.  I won't know for sure until my ultrasound next week.  I have to decide if I want to go through the prep and pageantry of having a manual flip attempted or not.  I'm leaning towards not doing it.  Partially because I don't know when I would find the time to go in for it (work is BUSY) and partially because there's no guarantee it would work.  And worst case is an emergency C-section...which is also the "worst case" if I don't do it.  Plus I hear it hurts.  So, I think I'd rather give the kid a chance to flip on his/her own.

Sometimes, I get little waves of emotion that catch me by surprise.  I'm so busy at work and with the girls that I sometimes forget that I'm actually excited about this baby.  And I know that sounds awful...I just mean that when I do slow down long enough to really THINK about it - I am excited.  I'm curious to find out what this baby is and WHO this baby is.  I'm nervous, of course.  I worry about the girls.  I worry about all the transitions.  I worry about nursing and traveling and plenty of other things - but when it is all said and done - this third kid feels right, and I know s/he was always in the plans - and I'm excited.

2 weeks. tick tock.

off guard

There are certain things that I expect to make me feel like a mom.  I fully expect to cry on Abby's first day of pre-school.  I expect to beam at my baby's first steps.  I expect to feel guilty when I have to yell. I expect my hair to be simple and my clothes to be slightly wrinkled and to occasionally find half eaten apples in my work bag.

But, then there are other times that catch you off guard.

I came home from work on Monday to find that Abby's little friend (who lives 2 doors down) had come over to play.  This, of course, is fine.  Abby was having a blast.  E woke up and all three girls played for a while.  Eventually, however, I had to get ready to go to Target to pick up some stuff - so I gave the girls their warning - 5 more minutes and it'll be time to walk friend back home.

Abby said "ok, mom"

3 minute warning.  "Ok mom"

Time to get your shoes on.  "Ok mom"

Ok, time to go.  "Mom?  Can we just have TWO more minutes?  Pleeease???"

and then two things happened at the exact same time.  The first was that I said "no, we need to go now"  and the second was that I was transported back to when I was about 8 or 9 years old.  Living in Little Rock and playing with a friend who had to go home and begging and pleading and bargaining a longer playtime.

And I felt like such a mom.  When did this happen?  It was like lighting struck and a freaky friday thing happened.  I was the kid pleading, not the mom. When did I become the authority on playdates?  When did I stop being the little girl?  Cause, y'know, I don't always feel like the 30-year old mother of 3 that I appear to be.  I very often feel like I'm about 12.  And yet, I have my own little girl now who is looking at me with big wide eyes and saying "pleeeeeeease?"

It happened again after we took our friend home.  I chatted with their nanny for a second, and in that second, the girls all disappeared upstairs to keep playing.  Again, I called to Abby that we had to GO...and she replied with an "Awwww, but mom?  please just two more minutes?"

Another thing.

I love that she has this friend "down the street"  It's the kind of thing that I used to daydream about when I imagined being a mom.  It's the kind of thing that makes me not want to leave our neighborhood or buy a home somewhere else - because the fact that she has a little girl friend 2 doors down - it's just...exactly as it should be.  It's the kind of thing I want her to grow up with.  And while I'm still hesitant to do it - they live close enough that I could send Abby down or they could send Abby's friend up the street without an adult escort- we can stand on our front porches and intercept children as they come and go.  It's nice. And I know this is something that is so normal for most of my friends who live close to friends and family and perhaps have a whole neighborhood of little friends running around - but it's something I wasn't sure we would have up here.  We live on a great street - but we don't know most of the families on it.  We really lucked out to have a great family 2 houses down that we've been able to get to know.

Anyway,

All of this ties into the over arching fact that Abby has become a kid recently.  She's not a toddler.  She's a full blown kid.  I feel like I actually watched it happen.  One night, I was getting her ready for bed and I noticed that her legs were longer...and more muscular.  I've noticed that her face is more defined, that her speech is out of this world, that the connections she makes are more advanced, that she's added new skills faster than I can count to 100 or color all the way within the lines.  She's just so big.

And I'm bursting at the seams proud of her for all of it.

I'll write more later - E is awake and Abby just got home - time to play monster and chase them for a while.  Kid or toddler - they still like mommy to chase them.