missing them

I think that being a stay-at-home mom is harder than being a working-mom.  Just for the record.

Perhaps, I should put a caveat in that says I think it would be harder than working MY job.  Not that I think my job is easy - not at all - I'm constantly swamped and surrounded by deadlines.  But, you do get a mental break from the 24/7 work that a stay-at-home mom puts in.  That's what I mean.

And I was never one that had a problem going back to work after the babies.  I like my job, I like my co-workers, I enjoyed the "break" as previously mentioned.  And 99.9% of the time, I'm fine.  My work day ends early and I'm home before the girls wake up from their afternoon nap.  I have nothing to complain about.  nothing.

And yet, today?  I miss them so much.  Today? I would do anything to be home making PB&J and playing blocks.  I don't know why today is different.  There's no reason it should be.  Maybe it's because Abby has started asking me every morning "are you just getting ready for work mom?"  and when I answer "yes" she sighs and says "ok.  I'll just stay and play with Nee-Nee"  And I know they have such a good time....but it just emphasizes that I'm not there.

Maybe it's because Abby tells me "Saturday is my favorite day because there's no work for mommy and daddy"  And yet, this Saturday?  Kyle and I will both be gone for different things.  I have a training - one that I've very much looking forward to...but there's part of me that is so worried that Abby is going to wake up on Saturday morning - excited to see me - and then remember that this Saturday is different, mommy has to work.  The idea of letting her down makes me sad.

I want to spend more time with them, while they're still so little and wonderful and innocent and so full of everything good.  I spend a lot of time with them.  Like I said, my work day ends relatively early.  But, I wish I had more.

Today I listened as co-workers of mine spoke about the challenges of parenting - their kids are older.  And I know a day will come when their life will get more complicated.  Their travesties will be so much bigger than having to take a nap or deciding between pretzels and goldfish or lunch.  I want life to stay simple, like it is now.  Where potty training and teething are the only things that keep us up at night.

I need that pause button now.

I want to wrap both girls in my arms, close my eyes, and freeze time.