everything

I don't know how much time I have left until Abby wakes from nap...probably not long, but I'm going to try to get as many thoughts out of my head as I can before that happens.

1. Things are good.  Elizabeth is a pretty typical newborn.  She sleeps all the time, she only cries if she needs something like, y'know, food.  I really can't complain.  I've been trying to figure out how someone who sleeps all day can be so much work.  I haven't quite figured out the answer, but I think it has something to do with the lack of a schedule.  Even though she sleeps 22 hours a day - It's never quite the same 22 hours.  We're never really sure when she's going to be awake or asleep or for how long.  I'm just now, a week in, starting to think about those patterns...or lack thereof perhaps.  And again, things aren't bad - but Kyle and I are both running on your typical new-parent sleep deprivation.  I slept for 4 hours straight a day or so ago.  But, that was a fluke.  In the last week, I've slept 2 hours a night and try to sleep for an hour at nap time. 3 hours per day.  That's pretty much exactly inverse of what Elizabeth does.  Funny, that.

But, a lot of that sleep deprivation is my own fault.  Kyle's sister has been up here helping out all week and after the girls were asleep, I (we) didn't want to just go to bed - so instead we all stayed up late watching tv, vegging out, and just keeping each other's company.  My goal this week is to figure out my own sleep schedule a little better.

2.  Nursing.  We're off to a rough start.  The good news is my supply is good.  The bad news is that little E caused me quite a few wounds and I've been pumping exclusively for 3-4 days now in an attempt to let myself heal before we try nursing again.  It's been hard.  I just expected that nursing would be easier this time, and while I don't have the same issues as with Abby (low supply, sleeping baby who wouldn't eat, had to use a shield the whole time), it's been so much harder this time around.  The pain of trying to nurse her was unreal.  There was more than once when I thought I would pass out from the pain, and once I bit my cheek until it bled just because I didn't even notice I was doing it.  It just wasn't good at all, and it wasn't getting better.  So, I decided to start pumping instead so that 1) I could heal and 2) that I wouldn't fear my newborn.  Pumping has done wonders for my sanity, but I'm not ready to give up on the idea of nursing either.  Once I'm all healed up, we'll give it another go.

I cannot believe that, as a species, we've managed to survive for this long.  You would think something so instinctual would be a little easier to manage...and I know very very very few people who have nursed without difficulties of one type or another.  And if you have - don't tell me.  Anyway, point is, it's been really hard, but we're on the mend (literally) and I'm hopeful things will improve soon.

3. This goes under the file "things I didn't think about"  While I was pregnant, I tried to prepare Abby the best I could for her new sibling.  And, I knew that she would have to adjust to not having all my attention all the time.  I knew to expect some regression, some acting out perhaps, and general attention seeking behavior.  But, there was this one thing that I didn't expect - I didn't realize how much *I* would miss Abby.

Abby has done beautifully.  She is so sweet to Elizabeth.  She helps feed her, she rocks her, she is constantly tucking this little purple bunny next to Elizabeth when she sleeps.  She kisses her and talks to her in a soft, high-pitched voice.  She helps me with getting things and has just taken it all in with great composure.  But, you see, I miss my time with just her.  That's not to say that I don't enjoy Elizabeth - of course I do.  But, E and I have yet to form the kind of bond that Abby and I have.  It will come, I know, but in the meantime - I just miss her.  And I wasn't really prepared for that.

Yesterday we didn't get to go outside at all.  We spent all day inside.  I thought we might go outside at one point and told Abby we would try to go after nap.  Well, after nap it got cloudy and cold and I was exhausted and we just didn't.  I felt bad, but I just couldn't manage it.  Abby hung her head, and mumbled in a really soft voice "yeah, we can't go outside now, no outside today" and she slowly walked into the next room and just sat in a corner with her head in her lap.  I mean, I'm sure you all heard my heart break into a million pieces, right?  It was so hard to see her so sad.  I'm doing my best to give her lots of activity and attention and so forth, but then something like that happens and I feel like the worst mom ever.  I mean, I know I'm not.  Just feels like that in the moment, y'know?

Anyway, I'm getting off topic.  The point is that I think, right now at least, I miss Abby much more than she misses me.  My advice to anyone having their #2 soon - soak up every single second with your first. And yes, a lot of this is still my hormones messing with me as they swirl around me like a cloud and try to regulate.  But, I thought I'd share that sentiment as I've spoken with several other moms since who say they felt the same way.  Just one of those things, I suppose, that many people experience, but nobody warns you about.

4. There is so much more to write, but I've nodded off 3 times writing this post.  Gonna try to cat nap for the next 10-15 before Abs wakes up.  I'll catch up later - for now, just know that things are good.  Sleepy, but good.