more thoughts

I'm not sure what to blog about.

It seems trite to blog about little things when we're still dealing with this fresh loss.  Cognitively, I know I should.  I mean, Kyle's mom, of all people, would be telling me to write about what the girls ate for dinner and the funny little things Abby says to make us laugh.  And I don't want every post I ever write to be....sad.  But, I dunno.  Maybe I'm not done processing this stuff yet, not quite ready.  Blogging like normal feels so - normal.  And maybe I'm not quite ready to resume all normal activity.

My boss was talking to me yesterday.  She lost her mother a few years back to similar circumstances.  She said that two of her sisters lived home and two of them lived out of state.  In her experience, it was very easy for the out-of-state kids to resume their day-to-day functioning, but it took them longer to "heal" in the long run.  Conversely, the kids who were at home had a more difficult time jumping back into their day-to-day activities, but once they did, were more healed.

And that rang true to me.

I think work provides a nice distraction and I stay busy and I'm fine.  I'm pretty sure Kyle feels the same way.  It's like it didn't happen.  Life is normal, everything's fine.  And then, you remember, and that wave of grief washes over you.  It's exhausting.

Yet, I don't know what else to do.  It seems like I just have to wait this part out.  That, perhaps with time, things will get easier.  I know they will.  The thing about time is - you can't rush it.

And I worry about Abby.  That these fragile memories she has will fade.  That thought is among the 4 or 5 that I keep locked away most of the time.  I intend to make her a book of pictures, notes, etc.  Something to use that will help reinforce those memories she has.

My mom posted a little quote on facebook the other day that said something to the effect of "the student asks 'what do I do if I'm uninspired?' and the teacher says 'inspire others' "  I can't remember if that's the right word they used - but it did make me think.  What do I do if I feel helpless?  Help others?  If I feel disenchanted?  I feel like there is truth in that.  If I can find a way to spend my energy helping others, that would be good.  I'd like to find a way to channel this sadness into productivity, charity, goodwill, or healing for others.  I've been thinking about ways to do this and haven't settled on anything yet.  But, I think there is potential in action for healing.

Thanks for reading.  Keep praying for Kyle's family.  For his dad, and his sisters.  They're such amazing people, every one of them.  And while I know they are strong, I'm sure they would appreciate any healing vibes you'd care to send.

And now, in an attempt to try on a little normalcy, a little story about Elizabeth.

She's the climber.  She's been more physical than Abby since day 1.  Lately, she's been stretching her climbing wings even more.  She's pretty good about going up the stairs now, I mean, I wouldn't let her go solo, but I rarely have to catch her anymore.  Abby has a few step stools that she uses in the kitchen to get things.  Yesterday, E kept trying to climb on them.  Now, the problem with that is not that she's climbing, but that she can't get down and will just fall and bust her head.

Yesterday, Kyle and I were talking in the kitchen when I noticed a bottle of salad dressing flying out of the pantry.  The doors were open, so I walked across the room and peaked inside.  Not only was E in the pantry throwing food off the shelf - she had climbed up to do it.  She had one foot on her bumbo and one foot on a water jug turned sideways.  She was holding on to the shelf with one hand to steady herself, and throwing out bottles and boxes gleefully with the other hand.  Sigh.  I removed her, and closed the pantry.

.3 seconds later, she's standing on the step stool next to Abby, reaching for stuff on the kitchen counter. After that I find her climbing a box of diapers, later she was trying to scale her jogging stroller.  Mark my words - she'll be in a big girl bed long before Abby was, because she's going to be the child who learns to climb out of her crib sooner rather than later.

She keeps us on our toes for sure.

And with that, I need to get back to work.  Love to all, and happy Friday.