expectations

Being pregnant and having a baby is a strange experience.  I don't think it ever felt normal to be pregnant.  It wasn't always a bad thing by any means - parts I really enjoyed, but the overall experience is just strange.  Part of what you do during those 9 months is imagine.  You imagine everything from what the next month will bring to labor to  your baby.  What will they look like?  How will they act?  Boy or girl? You fill your spare time - and sometimes your work time - with these kinds of daydreams.  

So, then what happens?  

I'm one of the first of my group of friends to have a baby, which means that several of my close friends have lots of questions about what things are like.  I know motherhood is different for everybody, but here are some thoughts from my experiences this last month.

Bonding happens.  There is something that clicks when you have your own child.  A desire to protect them and to keep them happy.  But there is also bonding that takes time.  I spent the first few weeks with Abby feeling more like I was taking care of a doll than a child.  Sometimes its hard when you are spending all your time feeding, rocking, changing and you don't get much of a reward in return.  She is too young to smile, or to see me from a distance, or to maintain eye contact.  This was hard on me.  I found it difficult to connect with her.  To bond.   Kyle was great with her, he was instantly smitten with her - and there were times I was jealous of his inability to feed her.  I wanted to be more than just a food source - but that's what I felt like.  I felt like he was bonding with her, and everyone we loved got to hold and play with her - but that I got her when she was crying and hungry.  Part of that is hormones, I know.  They do funny things to you.  

 Now, having said all of that, I want to make sure I'm clear that I love our little girl more than anything, and the second you see her looking at you, or smile - every second of frustration is worth it and you just melt.  But, for me, it has taken a few weeks to get to that point and we're still going.  Everyday brings something new - for which I'm thankful.

This brings me to another, related, observation.  I find that I am ready for Abby to get bigger.  So many people I know "mourn" the rapid growth of the first few months.  Maybe I will too - but not yet.  I find myself eager for her to get a little older.  Mainly for the reasons stated above.  I need to see her smile and hear her laugh.  I need her to look at me and know me.  I look forward to these moments.  

So, how does Abby compare to my expectations?  Well, the transition to parenthood has been much easier than I thought it would be.  I get more sleep than I did during grad school.  She's a good baby.  She wakes at night to be fed and then usually goes right back down.  This might change, of course, but for now - it has made the switch to motherhood pretty easy.  Abby is much more expressive that I imagined.  When she's happy - she's quieter than I imagined.  When she's upset - she's much louder than I thought a baby could be.  She makes us laugh more than I thought she would.  She's brought out a wonderful side of Kyle- much more than I imagined.  

So, this post is long and I've had to start and stop a dozen times. I just wanted to type out some thoughts while they were in my head.  Sorry if the post is disjointed....my mornings are too.  :)