6 weeks ago

Was it really only 6 weeks ago that we were without Abigail?

6 weeks ago - the crib was empty, the clothes had never been worn, the diaper pail was unused.  6 weeks ago, there wasn't a box of kleenex and a burp cloth next to every chair in the house.  There were no bottles by the sink and no milk in the freezer.  6 weeks ago, the pacifier was still in it's package and the desitin was unopened - as were the packages of diapers.  

6 weeks ago - I slept through the night.  I didn't have to have a plan.  6 weeks ago, terms like"epidural," "jaundice," and "engorgement" were just words in a book.  6 weeks ago, my husband I watched TV together every night and slept in on the weekends. 

6 weeks ago, I had never held a baby that was only seconds old.  

6 weeks ago - I had never heard my little girl's cry.  I  had never seen her eyes.  I didn't know how much she would look like her father.  I didn't know how tiny her fingers would really be.  I had no idea how peaceful she would look when she was sleeping.  I didn't know how good she would feel in my arms.  6 weeks ago, I didn't know that her breath would smell warm & sweet or that her yawns would make me laugh. 

6 weeks ago - I didn't know that my life was incomplete.  I didn't know anything.  

A lot has changed since then.  Most things have been an easy transition.  Some things have not been so easy.   Looking back on those pre-baby days - I can't remember what I did with myself.  How did I fill my days without diapers, nursing, and comforting a baby?  I don't know.  But, of course, I wouldn't change it for the world.  A lot of people told me that - that parenthood brings lots of changes and sacrifices, but they're sacrifices you don't mind making.  That's what Love is. 

The first time I visited a Catholic church was with Kyle.  The priest, Father Brandon, was the first real-life priest I'd ever met.  He was small and Vietnamese - more affectionately known as "fava bwandon".  He gave his homily, and touted again and again that "Love is Sacrifice."  Now, I had heard this message before, but for some reason, it struck me in a new way that day.  I had just started dating Kyle and I was scared.  I didn't know how dating a "blind guy" would be.  I mean, he would never pick me up for a date, or compliment me on my new shade of eyeshadow.  Petty, petty things, I know - but things that crossed my mind.  As I sat listening to Father Brandon, this message began to sink in.  These things were small sacrifices, and if I loved Kyle, these things wouldn't really matter. When he ended his homily by saying, "Love is sacrifice, but the sacrifice- you don't mind making"   That's all I needed to hear.  Since that day, I have thought about that line often.  Well, having a baby brings the point home even more so.  

Having a child forces you to sacrifice some things, but you don't mind.  You don't care if you don't get to sleep in on the weekends or if you smell like spit up and milk all day.  You don't really mind if you stay in your PJs for 2 or 3 days, or if you didn't have time to eat lunch- or shower.  It doesn't matter if you're sore and tired.  You don't mind if you have 4 different bodily fluids on your shirt at the same time.  You don't mind because you're in love.  

I'm in love.  Much more than I was 6 weeks ago.