Dear Abigail

Dear Abigail,

I love you so much.

You turned 9 months old this weekend, which is, as always, bittersweet. These nine months have gone by much quicker than the nine months you grew inside me. I'm having the best time of my life being with you. Its amazing watching you grow and learn - just amazing.

There is so much I want to tell you and sometimes I don't know where to start.

I think, today, I want to tell you what its like for me to be your mom.

Since as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. When I was in Jr. High, I finally convinced my parents to let me have a kitten. Her name was Tabithia, and I loved taking care of her. As I got older, I daydreamed about having a large family. When I met your daddy, I was happy to find out that he wanted children someday too. And then when we found out about you - I was ecstatic. Well, I was also very surprised and a little worried about the unknown - but mostly, I was very, very happy.

And 9 months later, you were born. Maybe one day, you'll experience it yourself - but there is no way to prepare for the way you feel at that moment. I remember one part of my head thinking that it was finally real - that you were real - as if the 9 months of swollen legs and planet sized belly were just a show. When you were born, I cried and kept saying "we have a baby" to your daddy. I really, couldn't believe it.

As the weeks passed, I found that I had two feelings about being a mom. The first one was happiness the second one was disbelief. Part of this has to do with the crazy hormones your body puts up with after pregnancy. It took me several months to really feel like myself again. But, it was not uncommon for me to look at you and to "remember" that I was your mom. I mean, obviously, I knew I was - but sometimes it just seemed so surreal to me. It wasn't the easiest time. You were so perfect and easy and wonderful - how could you be mine?

And then, as the hormonal fog lifted, I found that I was becoming more comfortable being a mom. All in all, I was still taken by surprise at how long it took me to feel normal in that role. I mean, I'd wanted to be a mom my whole life - why was it taking so long for it to feel normal? That was the question in the back of my mind. In the front of my mind, we were having a blast getting to know you and learning how to be parents.

As the months have passed, something else has happened. I've felt myself becoming more and more comfortable being a mom. No. Being Your mom. But, beyond that, I started feeling this small, but growing, feeling of pride. Maybe things were starting to sink in. I was your mom, and that meant that you - in all your wonderfulness - really were my daughter. And I was proud.

Over the past several weeks, I've felt that feeling growing stronger. I'm so proud to be your mom. I feel so lucky to have been trusted with that job. There's another feeling that has grown over your short lifespan as well - the feeling of wanting to protect you. forever. from everything bad. Unrealistic? yes. I know. But, I feel like there is a small pilot flame now deep inside me - and, if anything ever threatened you, it would burst out of me like a wildfire. It's that feeling of protectiveness that lets me know that I really am a mom now.

It has taken me 9 months to get this far - to let your amazingness sink in to my brain.

One more thing. That little flame - it is always burning - but its not just waiting to protect you - it tells me every second of every day that I am completely utterly 100% totally in love with you. You are my daughter. I will always, always always be your mom. I will always love you more than anything. I know your daddy feels the same way about you (his daddy flame has burned bright from the moment he saw you - you had him in that first instant)

This has been longer than I anticipated - I guess that happens when you don't have a clear idea of what you want to say....and I don't even know if any of it made sense.

But, even if it didn't. There's only one part that you need to never forget.

I love you. Your daddy loves you. Always will.