stream of consciousness

Writing helps me sort through my thoughts.  I suspect this may be long (ok, really really long), and probably disjointed.

I started writing a dozen different blog posts in my head yesterday - some of them were sentimental, some of them were about trivial things, some about big things, some were just me venting.  I just feel like I have a lot of things to talk about - even if they're not really important to anyone else.

Let's get the annoying stuff out of the way first.  This is where I complain for a little bit.  I'm tired.  I was hoping that I would be able to put this stage off for another 2, 4, or 6 weeks.  But, it's here.  I'm at the stage where I'm starting to get increasingly uncomfortable.  Notably so.  I mostly notice it in my bones.  I can't stand on one leg when I put my jeans on without feeling my hip and leg bones ache.  Getting up and down off the floor is like a 12 step process.  It takes me about 8 motions to roll over from one side to the other at night, and I still always feel a ligament get pulled or a cramp in my leg.  I'm at 100% waddling now.  I can walk for about 10 seconds before I feel all that pressure on my hip and pelvic bones.  I'm slow.  A grocery trip that used to take me 30 mins, takes me an hour.  I get braxton hicks contractions all the time.  I get them when I walk, I get them when I sit, I get them when I'm resting, or stand up - all the time.  And, while they're not painful, they make me cough because it feels like my lungs are being squeezed too tight.  So, there I am - waddling, wheezing, holding my lower back.  Oh.  My lower back.  If I spend too much time on my feet, that last joint in my spine flares up.  Ouch.  It doesn't help to sit on it, so I usually end up standing or, more often, sitting on my knees and leaning on the seat of a chair or couch. Kinda pathetic.

If I sit for too long - say 15-20 mins, I start to loose blood flow in my legs and everything from my hips down goes tingly and numb.  Also?  I'm constantly starving and tired.  I'm trying really hard to eat normally - or even just slightly above normal...but, I feel like I could eat all day long and never fill up.  I've really been trying to drink more water too -and that helps.  I mostly want cereal again.  Really, any carb.  Cereal, biscuits (with gravy, mmm), grits, pasta, mac & cheese.  I think it's because I always feel hungry and these foods at least make me think that I'll feel full afterwards.  But, don't worry, I'm forcing myself to eat plenty of healthy stuff and trying to ration my cravings to an acceptable level.

Ok.  I actually feel better having gotten all of that out.  I really don't like to complain too much - people don't like to hear it, y'know?  But, thanks for letting me vent anyway.

All of these little aches and pinches and pains have another side effect that's been on my mind - my patience.  You know how you turn into a bear when you're tired and hungry and then somebody says the wrong thing and you just lose it?  I kinda feel like that a lot.  My patience is thin.  This mostly pertains to Abby of course.

She and I are a perfect storm right now - and yesterday was a good example.

Here I am, tired and achey, slow and worn out.  Here she is, two years old, testing her limits, trying on her independence, and exercising her right to say "no"  I'm sure you can see how these two things don't always mix well.

There is a part of me that wants to be completely lazy...and sometimes, I am.  But, I also try really hard to remember that it's not Abby's fault that I'm tired, and she deserves attention and activities too.  So, yesterday, I told her we would go to the library.  And we did.  And it was good - initially.  We read books, we shared, we played with toys.  But, eventually, it was getting time to go...and she was spending less time reading books and more time jumping off chairs.  I did all the things we normally do - gave her warning that it was almost time to go, let her pick out "One more" book, told her the steps we'd be taking next (checking out, going to the car, going to the grocery store), etc etc.  Finally -

Me: Abby, let's go put on your coat, it's time to go.
Abby: NO
Me: Abigail, be nice.  Let's go check out our books so we can take them home
Abby: (runs away)

I followed her, and when I caught up with her, I picked her up.  She screamed.  A loud, shrill, full lung capacity scream.  Only lasted a few seconds and when she stopped - she looked at me for a reaction.  I said, very monotone - "Abby, be nice please"  She screamed again.

"Abby, use a quiet voice in the library"
(Scream)
"that is not a quiet voice, that is a loud voice.  Be nice"
(SCREAM)
"stop it"
(SCREEEAAAM!!!) - and then she looks at me and smiles and laughs.

....and that's my button.  When she laughs.  When I want her to feel bad and remorseful and to understand that she's being bad.... but she's laughing.  My blood goes from cool to boiling in a nanosecond.  It took every single ounce of self-control I had not to spank her.  I told her she was in trouble, that she was being bad, and she just laughed and kept screaming in spurts.  I told her she was going to get a time out and she perkily said "time out? OK!"  ....which made me angrier.

I wanted to find something that would make her understand that she was in Trouble.  She doesn't understand that word - it has no connotations for her.  I impulsively said "Abby is being bad.  No books today.  No books home"

Abby: "No books?"
Me: "NO.  No books for Abby today.  Abby is being bad.  Abby is in trouble.  No books."
...and then she cried.

I had about 3 seconds of feeling triumphant before I felt awful.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't really want to make her leave her books there.  But, I had just said it - and I felt like I had to keep my word.  I was so done. I was spent.  I sat her on a couch and I sat beside her.  I looked at her and made my best displeased face.  We sat there, in silence, together, for about 10 minutes.  That's how long I needed.  I didn't talk to her, I didn't touch her - I just stared at her.  About 7 minutes in, she took her little hand and started petting my arm, then she scooted closer to me, hugged my arm, and leaned on me.  Then she kissed my hand.  When we (I) was done with our time out - I talked to her again about using her quiet voice.  And then I let her check out her books.

After that, I really really wanted to go home.  But, Abby remembered that I told her we were going to the grocery store.  She insisted, and we really did need to go.  She seemed in good spirits, and so I forced my body to drive us there.  I put Abby in one of the car-carts.  She gets to drive and beep her horn, she's quiet happy in there.  It wasn't until she started throwing out doggie that I looked in to check on her and noticed she'd taken off her boots, her socks, her hat, her coat, and was trying to get out of her shirt.  She really wasn't *trying* to be bad.  But, really kid?  Can you give me a break?  We eventually made it back to the car.  I put her in the back seat and told her to get into her carseat.  She stood up in it and would not sit down.  I knew getting mad would only make her laugh.  Instead, I tried a different route.

Me: "Abby, please, please, sit down in your seat"
Abby: "time out?" (devlish grin)
Me: "No, no time out.  But, Abby is making mommy really really sad.  Mommy is really sad.  Be nice to mommy."
Abby: "...mommy's sad?"
Me: "Yes, mommy is sad"

she sat right down.  So, maybe empathy over anger is the key for her.  I don't know.  Yesterday, I felt like I had no idea what I was doing all day long...she wore me out in every way.

wow.  this is getting ridiculously long.  No way is anybody still reading this - and that's probably for the best.    I'm going to stop writing now - even though I'm only about 1/2 through all those clouds of topics in my head.  I'll make a part II later.  And, hopefully, it will be more positive.  Sorry for being kinda a downer today.  Things really aren't bad - I'm just a little worn down.